


DaveJohnKat- The Nights Alone

by midillu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Cutting, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-27 00:27:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8380318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midillu/pseuds/midillu
Summary: Dave's struggling. His parents left him and his bro ignores him. All he has left are his two boyfriends. But can they help his worsening depression? Or will they figure it out too late? DaveJohnKat JohnDaveKat, John x Dave x Karkat. Yaoi. Don't like don't read. That simple. Sadstuck, eventual smut/lemon





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Now rated M, mentions of sexual content (and maybe actual smut eventually), cussing, and (before Kankri has my head) TW- self harm, suicidal thoughts, shitty family relationships.

Be the Cool Kid ==>

(Dave POV)

I sighed and collapsed on my bed. I had just gotten home from a long outing with my friends to the fucking bowling alley. I hate bowling, and so does my boyfriend Karkat, but when our other boyfriend John turns his bright blue eyes on us, mixed with the puppy dog face, neither of us can say no. We would do anything for him, though we will never admit it aloud.

I looked around my room. My bro and I have lived here for almost five years now. When we first moved to Skaia I was 13, and started at Alternia Middle School in the middle of the school year. Yes, that is ironic. Starting middle school in the middle of the year. But that fucking irony is just the shit man. I'll spend Saturday mixing tunes, then rap ironically all over Sunday's face.

Anyways, I met John on my first day. I was glaring at the teacher, though my awesome shades hid it, and then John jumped up and bounced up to the front of class to offer to show me around. Yes bounced, like hopping and skipping and the whole deal, like the idiot he is. What was really weird about it though was that when he hopped, he'd hover for a second before coming back down. I've asked him about it, but he never knows what I'm talking about. Karkitty says it's just cuz he gets so excited gravity can't take the fucking adorableness. Karkat (Karkitty, which I only use to piss him off) is the first person John introduced me too, and we have been having friendly arguments ever since. Anyways, it didn't take long for me to stop asking stupid questions, as with John and Karkat things are always very interesting.

For real though, bowling was fucking exhausting. Terezi (a blind chick that is Karkat's ex?) insisted on licking every goddamn ball, while Vriska (Some mean ass bully) kept trying to push people into gutters while hitting on Tavros, a kid with duel prosthetic legs, which is really fucking cool, and that's saying a lot coming from the ultimate cool kid. Well. On the outside at least.

I tugged off my favorite long sleeved scratch record shirt, keeping my eyes from drifting to my body, while I snagged something to sleep in. I refuse to continue talking about my evening, because it would take all night to explain every dumb ass thing those idiots did that annoyed the hell out of me.

After putting on my pajamas, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I hated doing it, but I like my teeth to be shiny white. Plus I don't like having bad breath. While scrubbing, I heard the door open and close. My bro must have finally gotten home from that dj gig he had tonight. I looked up at the clock on the bathroom wall and rolled my eyes. 12:28 am. I put the brush back and headed to go see him. He jumped a bit when he saw me, then recovered and went back to his blank poker face.

"Why're you still up li'l man?" He asked, grabbing some apple juice out of the cupboard. We both have a very unhealthy obsession with the stuff, but neither of us cares. It's fucking delicious. After he took a swig he handed it to me and I did the same, shrugging.

"Went out with some friends and didn't get back until a little bit ago." He nodded, taking another swig when I handed it back, before putting it back in the cupboard. "You going out again this weekend?" I asked, hoping that maybe for once he'd say no and we could actually hang out like we used to.

"Yeah, Jake has some things planned, so I'm gonna be at his house all weekend," my face fell a bit at that, though I didn't let him see it. It wasn't all that surprising, and I don't know why it still hurts, but every time I hear this answer, it does hurt. "I'll be back by Sunday night, and if you wanna invite anyone over or go somewhere just be safe and don't trash the place."

Ever since he and Jake started dating about a year and a half ago, this has been a familiar Friday night conversation. I'm not stupid, I know they're fucking, and I use weekends to chill with my boyfriends and often times have sex, but I miss my big brother. Even though I know why things are the way they are.

I nodded and he gave a slight nod back before heading off to bed without another word, giving a little wave behind him. I waved back, but my hand faltered, I know he couldn't see me anymore and I know he doesn't care that much either. I sighed before starting to return to my room, but I decided against it and headed to the bathroom.

After locking the door behind me, even though Bro has never, ever checked on me, I found the familiar piece of cool metal taped to the top of the lowest cupboard and sat down on the toilet after closing the seat. I took a deep breath, pushed Karkat and John from my mind, and began my nightly ritual.


	2. Chapter 2

Continue Being the Cool Kid==>

I sat, watching the blood slip and slide down my pale skin. I let my mind wander as I waited for most of the bleeding to stop, occasionally mopping some up with some toilet paper. I smiled bitterly to myself, my arms and legs were painted a beautiful red, painted the color that reminds me of everything wrong with me.

Almost every slice had pretty much ceased bleeding while I was pondering random thoughts, and that almost disappointed me. I sighed when I looked up at the bathroom clock for a second time tonight. It was almost a quarter after 2 in the morning. I hadn't realized it was so late/early. Even though tomorrow's Saturday, I couldn't help but think I should probably try to sleep. I've just been so damn tired anymore. I applied a few bandaids before jumping when my phone started to ring. I checked the caller ID and immediately answered.

"Hello?" I knew it was Karkat, or at least his number, but I had stopped calling him 'babe' before making sure it was him after I almost called his extremely homophobic dad 'babe', thinking it was Karkat.

"D-dave..."

SHIT.

"Baby, another one?"

Not the stuttering.

"Y-y-yeah..."

Fuck, so soon?

"I'm on my way hun, is John there?"

Goddammit. Tonight of all nights.

"N-no, y-your n-n-name c-came up f-first."

"I'm gonna call him. Just a sec." I had just finished hurriedly cleaning myself up, and after putting my shoes on and snagged my keys (without getting off the phone with Karkat) I headed out the door. I locked the door behind me and added John to our call as I headed down the stairs of the apartment building I reside in.

Even though there's only three floors in the building, the elevator always takes forever and I didn't have time. John picked up right after I hit the second floor.

"Dave?" He sounded sleepy. I kinda wish I could've let him sleep, but this is too important for him to sleep through.

"D-Dave h-hurry," I heard Karkat whimper through his end, and I heard a list of profanities I didn't know John knew as I assume he must have immediately gotten out of bed at those words.

"Karkat, we're on our way," John said calmly, in his surprisingly soothing voice. He's still a dork, but after puberty hit him with a 38 ton semi at 90 miles an hour, his voice dropped and became smooth as fuck.

"Yeah, I'll be there in five baby. We're gonna stay on the phone though okay?" I added, hoping I was at least mildly comforting. For all my smooth talking, I'm horrible at this stuff.

"O-Okay," I wanted to cry myself. He's usually so strong and pissy, it always hurts when he's like this. His panic attacks have been getting worse and worse lately, along with his anxiety, but it's mostly because of his dad. He hasn't told his dad he's gay, which would probably make things even worse, but his dad is always coming home drunk and yells at him all the time.

The bullying doesn't help either. His crankiness usually drives people away, but lately it's been attracting all the wrong people. They've been calling him short, fat, a faggot, a whore, and a list of other things that have caused me to want to put some guys in the hospital. I know he tries to ignore them, but he's like me in that his facade can only take him so far. I've just been lucky, his weaknesses have helped to hide mine when I slip up.

I pushed passed the drunks near the door of the building without question, as there was a common pattern of their appearances on weekends, and headed to my car, calming Kit Kat in the only way I know how, with smooth rhymes. I know both of them are used to it, and they've both told me on different occasions that they find it actually soothing for some reason.

Whenever I pause to do something, John steps in and cracks some jokes, using a voice that he reserves specifically for us. The way he talks is hard to explain, but he lets himself go in a way. His words flow smoothly, he stops thinking about what he's saying as, even though his words seem to have a lot of thought put into them, they don't. He's just got an amazing way of soothing us, both of us, without knowing it.

His kind nature is what I believe allows this. His deep affections and shit unconsciously spit out their own sick rhymes on a fire of teary emotions. And while I hear him using this type of voice with all those he cares about, with us, it's different. Softer, calmer, and with more... love?

After backing out of the parking lot I drove in the direction of Karkat's house. The drive was so familiar, it would have been peaceful under different circumstances. I pulled into his driveway and noticed his dad wasn't home. Not that I expected him to be, he always left on Friday afternoons to for work trips, getting home late on Sunday nights just like Bro, but still. In a way, that was a relief. We didn't have to deal with his bullshit while worrying over Karkles.

I turned off the engine and slipped out, telling John I had arrived before we both ended the call. I walked right in and found Karkat in his bedroom, sitting against the headboard with his head in a pillow, shaking. He hadn't said much after those few weak sentences, which told me it was bad, as he couldn't trust his voice to even be a smidge snarky, but my face still softened at the obvious pain he was in.

I slipped in on his left side and held him to me as he sobbed into my right shoulder, his heartache scraping against my insides with a friction that made my heart break. When John walked in he had a similar reaction, before slipping in on Karkat's right side and sandwiching him between us in a fucking crunchy peanut butter and jelly sandwich picnic with sides of pain juice and sufferfruit.

I shifted him onto John before slowly releasing him. John just gave me a questioning look over Karkat's shoulder, but Karkles flipped shit. The look on his face drove a knife through my chest; he looked so pale, so afraid, so... weak. I leaned down to whisper soothing words into his ear, peppering him with light kisses as I resettled him onto the other raven haired boy in the room, before slipping off to turn on the tv on his dresser.

I looked at his movie selection and grimaced, but put in his favorite movie anyways. It was the best way to calm him, and I could suffer through one movie. For Karkles. Besides, he almost always fell asleep less than 45 minutes into it. His face lit up a bit when the opening theme started up, but it was fleeting, leaving him looking pasty and fragile as he started to calm.

After a few minutes the panic left his eyes, and not fifteen minutes later he started to laugh weakly at the cheesy jokes of the rom-com. John and I gave each other similar looks of relief as we settled in and chuckled with him. It took almost an hour, but I finally had my two dorks snuggled up under the covers next to me, Karkat in the middle, fast asleep.

I carefully reached over to the bedside table, careful not to disturb them, and placed my aviators on the stand before turning the tv off. I snuggled into them, reminding myself that it's just for warmth and not because I'm snuggly (because that's uncool), nevermind that it's over 80 degrees Fahrenheit in Kit Kat's stuffy bedroom. After a little bit, I finally drifted off into a light, fitful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I groaned when the morning sun hit my eyes. I rubbed my eyes and glanced over at the clock while groping for my shades, cursing my light sensitive eyes. After successfully getting them on I resolved myself to getting up. After fifteen minutes and the smell of bacon, I arose. Stumbling through Karkat's house I found the kitchen, but decided it wasn't worth dragging my ass in there when the couch was perfectly inviting.

I plopped myself down and turned the tv on, looking over when I heard Karkat yelling that "THAT WASN'T FUNNY," telling me our little trickster had pulled a prank. I grinned to myself before half paying attention to the stupid reality tv show that was on. After a couple of minutes John peeked out from the doorway to the kitchen, smiling and telling me good morning, to which I grunted a response. I have never been, nor never will be, a morning person, and my dorks evidently have yet to realise this.

After another ten minutes the duo finally procured the steaming plates of deliciousness, along with sweet ass beverages. John got his Pepsi, Karkat his milk (don't know why but he really prefers the stuff) and my apple juice, the sweet nectar of the fucking gods. All three of our respective residences were stocked with apple juice at my demand, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No meal is complete without it.

We munched and mostly ignored the tv, settling for ranting, chastising, joking, and other usual topics of discussion. I was having a lucky day however, I only got two heated arguments from my boys about movies, and one rant from Karkat about how we "shouldn't leave (our) shit around (his) fucking house." Pretty good for one meal.

I was just about to settle in for a nap on the couch when John got up, offering to do dishes like the sweetheart he his. However, since neither of us trust him to do things like that alone without any pranks or tricks, Karkat volunteered to keep an eye on- AHEM, help him with the dishes.

I smiled to myself as I listened to them bicker. To anyone else it seemed full of hatred, but the three of us knew better. It was mostly teasing, and often full of concealed laughter and derpy grins. I was just about to drift off when everything quieted suddenly. I lazily opened an eye, suspicious, before resolving to wait this one out. I heard some muffled whispers, and prepared myself for whatever they were gonna pull, but what came instead made me sit up fast.

"Dave..?" John's voice sounded very distressed, and it worried me.

"Yeah?" I called, looking over the back of the couch. Karkat walked out, looking pissed, with John following close behind. I recognised the look on my blue eyed dork's face, he was trying not to cry. "What's wrong?"

"Anything you haven't been telling us?" Karkat growled, his voice dark. I was taken aback, he could be grumpy, by I don't think I've ever seen him this... angry and upset.

"I... don't think so... anything particular in mind?" I was cautious, I had no idea what was going on and I was a bit scared, though I didn't let it show.

"Then what the hell is this, and who the hell is Dirk?!" Karkat spat, as John bit his lip, watching my face fearfully. I looked at what he had thrown in my face. I was now holding my phone, with a simple notification. "Dirk". I immediately understood why they were so upset.

They knew that my notifications for our dates were in that format. They also knew the only other notifications I ever put in were birthdays, because I didn't like cluttering up my schedule with much else, and that if it were a birthday it would say so right there. But they didn't get the guilt they were probably expecting.

I bit my lip and swallowed hard. I've never told them. I've never told anyone. Only Striders know. I stood, grabbing my keys as I left without a word. I knew it looked suspicious, but I didn't care. I was gonna cry. And I didn't want them to see it. Ever. Striders aren't supposed to cry.

The muffled sob I heard made me pause in the doorway, I couldn't help stopping. All I wanted was to turn around and comfort them, but I couldn't. I didn't trust my voice. And I was too busy yelling at myself for forgetting. Even for a second.

I tried not to think too much as I drove back to my apartment. I didn't want to. When I arrived I slipped in. Closed the door behind me, or at least tried. I didn't make it far, tears were streaming down my cheeks and I doubled over, leaning against the door, letting myself give in to the sobs now wracking my body.

My twin brother Dirk died just over a month before we moved here. We were messing around, playing basketball and shit in the street, and a drunk driver hit him when neither of us were looking. D's career was just taking off, so he used that as an excuse to push us away and fall into a cycle that helped him hide his grief, burying himself in work and alcohol, and who knows what else. Bro on the other hand, was stuck with the identical twin that reminded him every day of what he'd lost. He was stuck with me.

Neither of the two will admit it, but they can't really look me in the eye because of the resemblance. Hell, I can't look me in the eye because of the resemblance. It hurts. But there's nothing I can do about it. It's why the three of us fell apart. We were all so close, but it just hurts too much. To their credit they tried, they really did. The first couple of years we'd all get together for it, the anniversary. We'd drink his favorite orange soda, watch his favorite movie, and talk and cry together. Some of the very few times I can actually remember us crying in front of each other. But after that it was just too painful.

Now Bro spends it with Jake. D even has some girl now I think. I can't remember who she is though. But I spend it alone. Last year I pretended to be sick. It was on a Tuesday. And by Wednesday I was back like nothing happened. This year it's a Saturday.

Last week Bro and I went to the store together, for the first time in a long time. Usually it's either one or the other. But last week we both went. Got a six pack of Orange soda and a thing of orange juice for each of us. And Bro grabbed an extra pack of beer. I didn't comment on that, we both knew he was gonna need it.

I sat down on the couch after grabbing the soda. Letting the sobs ring out as I popped the cap open. After gulping half of the burning liquid I pressed play on the previously prepared movie. It was one of D's first movies. It was shitty, but it had an okay plot. I followed along as I sunk deeper into a puddle of my own sorrow and grief.


	4. Chapter 4

Be the happy-go-lucky one==>

Karkat growled in front of me, pacing back and forth as he muttered to himself. I didn't say anything, as tears slipped down my cheeks. When I accidentally let out a sniffle he froze, turning to me and sighing, sitting next to me and pulling me to his chest as I finally let loose and cried.

After about 15 minutes of crying and shooshing I finally calmed down enough for us to talk.

"Why?" I asked him quietly, refusing to look him in the eye.

"I don't know John..." he responded, equally as quiet. I sniffled and we sat there for a bit, not knowing what to do.

"Do you think we could call Bro?" I asked him hopefully, praying this was just one big understanding. He nodded, less enthused, but I could still see the hope hiding in his features. I picked up my cell phone, finding his contact and pressing the call button, before hitting speaker and snuggling in with Karkat again. We waited and listened to the steady beeping, calming ourselves a bit more.

"Hello?"

"B-Bro? U-uh, it's John, Dave's boyfriend, um," I was stopped there when we heard whispering.

"...Shh no it's just John... no he wants to talk to you... no you should do it!... ugh fine... Hey John! Sorry about that! This is Jake, Derrick's boyfriend. What's up?" I looked at Karkat, not knowing exactly what to say. When he saw my face, Karkat patted my head and took over, much to m relief.

"Hey, I'm Karkat, Dave's other boyfriend. We're just calling because he's acting fucking weird and we think he's been cheating," Karkat was ever so blunt. But at this I had to bite back a sob, though I had the feeling it was still audible. Karkat just hugged me closer and continued. "But we just don't know and were wondering if Bro knew anything."

"Oh Lordy, babe he didn't tell them!" We heard Jake say, and we looked at each other confused. "...they have a right to know!..." he sighed audibly. "Alright then... boys would you mind telling us what happened?"

I looked at Karkat helplessly, and he nodded and cleared his throat. "We were cleaning up breakfast this morning, as Dave came over last night, and we heard his phone chime. I picked it up to take it to him, but I couldn't help but notice the notification... he wrote it the way he does our dates, though for us it's simply "John Karkat" but this time it was just one name and it didn't say birthday after it, so we asked him about it, but all he did was get up and walk out..."

Jake sighed sadly. "What name was written lads?"

"Dirk."

We heard a choked sob, and some shushing, before Jake was back. "Well, I can tell ya for sure he isn't cheating on you two. But I must say he probably shouldn't be alone right now. Please go be with him, he needs to open up about it lads. It's not my place to tell, but Dave needs a comfort only you two can give him. The Striders are a family full of strained relationships, and he's gonna need you two now more than ever. Anyways, I wish you both luck. We'll talk to you later okay?"

We mumbled affirmations back before hanging up. We didn't need to say anything, we just got up and grabbed what we needed. Once shoes were on and keys were grabbed, we headed over to Dave's.


	5. Chapter 5

Be the crabby one==>

The ride over was silent. We were both really damn worried, and didn't know what to say. After parking at the apartment complex where Dave lived with his bro, I turned to John and sighed. He nodded at me gently, and we both slowly removed ourselves from my car. I met him in front of the vehicle, and I grabbed his hand before we headed up to the apartment.

When we reached the door, I didn't bother knocking. I tried the lock, finding it open. John and I shared a look, before walking through the doorway. Dave never left the door unlocked. We picked our way through the entryway, it was seriously hard to maneuver their messy home, though this was nothing new. There were always all kinds of things strewn around the apartment, but this time it was different. None of the lights were on, and the blackout curtains were pulled shut.

I stumbled a few steps into the place before John and I both picked up on the noises echoing softly. I turned on the hall light as we headed toward the noises we were hearing, and sighed sadly. I heard John's breath catch, and I gripped his hand for comfort, matching the intensity of which he was gripping mine.

Dave was sitting on the couch, curled into himself with his head in between his legs. He was sitting up though, a drink in his right hand as he clutched his knees. A shitty movie was playing on the tv, barely audible, especially over the sobs coming from the couch.

"Oh my god..." John whispered, and I saw Dave jolt a bit.

"Dave..." I spoke soothingly, or at least tried to. I cursed silently when my voice cracked in the middle of that one simple word.

"G-go a-away!" He tried to sound angry and intimidating, but all I heard was the pain, the despair, and the bitterness. He barely lifted his head when he spoke, and I could tell he was working harder to conceal the sobs.

John approached him cautiously, and I followed not far behind. John tenderly and gently rested his hand on Dave's shoulder, but jumped and recoiled when his hand was slapped away. He tried to hide it, but I could see the hurt on John's face as he held back his tears.

"David. Elizabeth. Strider!" I grabbed his arm and forced him to look at me. "Can't you see that we're trying to help you?!" I had to bite my lip then, willing away the tears, as I already had my two boyfriends crying, so I needed to be strong for them.

"C-can't you see I w-wanna b-be alone?! Can't y-you s-see there's n-nothing you c-can do?!" I saw his eyes then; red and puffy, showing off the magnificently huge bags drooping under his vibrant, crimson eyes.

"You idiot, what do you mean there's nothing we can do?! We're supposed to be here for you, comforting you!" He tried to pull away, refusing to look me in the eyes, but I only gripped harder. However, when the material slid up the silky white flesh on his arm, I had to do a double take. "Oh, D-Dave..." His eyes widened in realization, and he ripped his arm away from me.

When John gently wrapped his arms around Dave from behind, he jumped. John began rubbing circles along his chest, down to his belly button, whispering soothing, but choked up words and rocking him a bit. Despite his height, John had always been good at holding us when we broke down. At his touch, Dave gave in, emotionally and literally, sinking to his knees as he sobbed. I moved to kneel in front of him, as John kneeled behind him. I peppered his face with kisses, not speaking, just kissing his tears and ridding his face of the telltale paths of tears on his cheeks.

The sobs had just faded to sniffles when my phone started ringing from my back pocket. I left my right hand resting, to an extent that I silently hoped could be considered comforting, and pulled my phone out of my back pocket with my left.

"Hello?" I had to bite back the growl in my voice, silently cursing myself for forgetting to check the goddamn caller ID.

"Hey, John, uh," I recognized Dave's brother's voice instantly (as if you could EVER forget that stupid heavy Texan accent), but it took me a second to process.

"Oh shit!" The silence was a bit deafening, I knew he was waiting for me to elaborate, and I also knew that Bro knows that John doesn't really cuss. Well, I mean; he does cuss, occasionally, but never around people he doesn't really know that well, especially possible future relatives. "Hey, John? Apparently I have your phone..." He looked up at me, gave a trying half smile, but gave up in the middle of it. That's one major difference between Dave and I, and John. We laugh things off, hiding behind our facades and pushing away our insecurities until we are alone, but John just can't put up that front.

"So, uh, Karkat, can I talk to my li'l bro for a minute?" I recognized a familiar tone in his voice, as it is the one Dave uses when "no, I haven't been crying" and "no, I'm not holding back tears as we speak", when really he's just holding everything back until he's alone again.

"Only if I can put you on speaker," I heard a groan, as evidently that wasn't in his original plans.

"...fine." I pulled the phone away from my ear and pressed the button for speaker, and no of course I didn't fucking fumble with it, and if by some odd chance I just might have, it's because it's John's phone not mine! Never mind that I probably use John's phone more than my own... but that's not the point!

"Okay, we can all hear you."

"Um, hey li'l bro..." I heard the crack in his voice, and the next thing I knew Dave had more little fucking marathon runners sliding down his cheeks.

"H-hey Bro.." Dave stared hard at his hands, refusing to look up, but I didn't say anything and neither did John.

"So, look, I know this is a really fucking bad day, it is for me too, but, they deserve an explanation, they thought you were cheating on 'em li'l man..." I saw Dave's eyes widen like saucers, and the face he looked up at me with, I saw so much surprise and fear and despair...

"I..I-I..."

"Don't get all upset now, I know they love ya, they're not gonna leave ya, right ya fuckers?" I heard chastising from the other end of the line as I clearly gave an 'of fucking course not!' while John paled and said 'we would never!' "Good. But ya do owe 'em an explanation Dave."

"I... John? K-Karkat?" He grabbed one of my hands and held it tight, doing the same to John after grabbing one of the arms wrapped around his waist, gently peeling John off of his person to bring him around to settle next to me. He continued to hold our hands, telling Bro firmly that if he hung up the phone, Dave would come after him with his katana, then chop up his ponies. It took him a minute, evidently to collect himself, before he started to speak.

"I-I...I was born 8 minutes after my identical t-twin, Dirk. He was my best bro for the longest time, I mean, w-we... we did everything together. Even though we took up different styles, like his shades were triangular and his hair was spiked every goddamn which way-" he choked on his words a bit, letting his head drop, fighting desperately against the sobs that tried to overtake him, without ever letting go of our hands.

"A-anyways, um, about a month before we moved here, five years ago today, Dirk and I were uh, messing around in the streets and stuff, and I mean... the car came out of nowhere... I-i c-couldn't do a-anything..." we hugged him hard then, understanding immediately.

"Oh Dave..." I whispered, kissing his temple, as John cuddled into his neck, hugging him loosely. I remembered Bro and Jake on the other end of the forgotten phone call when I heard sniffling. I suddenly remembered something, and gently shifted Dave onto John, picking up the phone and taking it off of speaker phone, raising it to my ear. "Oh, hey, Bro? There's something you probably need to know."

"Okay, what is it...?" The response was delayed, but reasonably so as I could practically hear him wiping his eyes and nose.

"Dave has been struggling with something for a while now, but evidently it has gotten quite a bit worse." I was aware of both Dave's stiffening posture, and the confusion in Bro's voice when he asked what was wrong. This made me a bit angry. I knew Dave's relationship with Bro was strained at best, as Dave always closed himself off whenever his brother was mentioned, but they live in the same goddamn apartment for God's sake!

"Bro, Dave's been cutting his wrists." The silence was more deafening than any amount of music or children's screams could produce.


	6. Chapter 6

"Shit." I heard the phone hit the ground, and a whispered, angry conversation ensued on the other end of the line. After barely a minute, I heard "We'll be there in ten. Keep your asses in their damn spots or I will hunt you down," Before the line clicked and went dead. I turned off John's phone and handed it to him, before settling back down.

"They'll be here soon. In the meantime, Dave, get your ass to the bathroom." I tried to growl and sound grumpy and shit, but my voice just ended up sounding tired and terrified.

Dave silently obeyed, and I followed close behind. John got up as well, and started to pick up the apartment. He was a nervous cleaner, and on any other day Dave and I would have been teasing him about it by now. Instead we silently left the room, leaving John to his thoughts.

\------------------

Finally, switch to a different goddamn idiot. Be the "cool" kid==>

It is an unspoken fact that Karkles is our mother hen. For all his grouchiness, he always insists on patching us up. And normally, neither John nor I mind, but I couldn't help being terrified. I'd worked really hard to hide the angry red marks decorating my forearms and thighs, and I didn't want this to ruin the relationship we had painstakingly built between the three of us.

I waited for Karkat in the bathroom, and he appeared not long after I got there. He tossed me a t-shirt and booty shorts, both of which appeared to be articles that either Karkat or John had left here on another occasion, as neither were mine. He gave me a hug before he left the bathroom, kissing my forehead in an uncommon display of true affection and comfort.

By the time he returned with peroxide, some antiseptic cream, and some large bandages (all of which having been kept from the times when Bro and I still strifed, but none were old enough to be questionable), I had finished changing and had settled on the toilet seat. He hustled about, muttering for me to deal with it when I winced in pain. He's so obviously upset and scared for me, and all I can do is sit here with my head down and be grateful he isn't trying to strike up a conversation just yet. Because as soon as Bro arrives, it's gonna be an intervention all up in this shit.

After he finished treating my wounds, he crouched in front of me, between my legs, and looked up at me, holding my hands. For all the sappy movies he forced us to watch with him, we both knew that he wasn't good at any of this. We've both been better at conveying our feelings with actions rather than words anyways, but I was still caught a bit off-guard when he tenderly lifted my wrists to his mouth, kissing up my forearms gently. Once he finished there, he moved to my thighs, without letting go of my hands. I couldn't help but choke back a sob at that, he was so tender, so sweet. I felt so fucking loved. I knew I was being sappy, but I couldn't help it. It made me more happy than I'd of liked to admit.

He pulled me up into a hug after he put the first aid supplies away, and we just held each other for a few minutes, as he whispered kind words in his rough voice, pretending it wasn't awkward. And it was awkward. But it was what we both needed. We pulled back when the front door opened, and he took my hand and nodded reassuringly at me, before pulling me out into the living room. I may or may not have hid just a bit behind him, nervous.

I saw Jake and Bro, as I peeked around Karkat, and I bit my lip, straightening up out of habit, my shoulders back and my head raised high, even though all of my instincts were demanding I find somewhere safe to hide. Bro's steps faltered when our eyes met, and I saw the telltale signs of grief, the puffy eyes and flushed cheeks, so uncharacteristic of my brother. Jake had a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and I couldn't help but think about the irony. The cool kid and his even cooler idol, both trying not to cry and trying to pretend they hadn't been crying, for hours and hours at that.

"Dave..." Bro's voice was soft, and I couldn't help but look away. How was I supposed to look him in the eyes?

"Why don't we all sit down...?" Thank god for Karkat. The gods of Apple juice and of all things ironic, even Bro's pony gods. They all deserved a round of applause, by a crowd of people stretching from one horizon to the other. Even if it was just 30 more seconds, it still gave me 30 more seconds to think about just what the hell I was gonna say.

The five of us sat down, Karkat and I on the couch and Bro in an armchair with Jake perched on the armrest. John joined after some coaxing and chastising by Karkles, and he sat on the other side of me, holding my right hand as Karkat took my left. I squeezed their hands in thanks, grateful for their unfailing support, even when I was being an ass. Bro opened his mouth to speak, but Karkat cut him off, taking off my shades and holding his hands out for Bro's as well. "To keep you honest," he told us, and while I understood and it made sense, I still felt like my armor had been stripped away. Bro was obviously made uncomfortable by this as well, even more so when John turned up the lights a bit too, so we could all see each other clearly, but Bro seemed determined.

"I... I honestly don't know what to say to you right now Dave..." Bro started, searching for words as he kept looking back and forth from me to the floor and back again. "I... I had no idea things had gotten so bad that you felt the need to... I mean, I guess, I should've... shit I should've realized. I should have known. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself, in my own pain... maybe it wouldn't of come to this. I... I know this won't come close to making it up to you, but I want you to know that I'm sorry... and... I want to make it up to you, if I can... I don't know if I ever can, but damn it I want to try! I... I was so wrapped up in myself-"

"Yes, you were." I cut him off sharply, looking away and biting my lip at the venom and bitterness I found in my own voice. I tried desperately, but just couldn't keep the feelings of betrayal and anger off my face. I pulled my voice way down, keeping it to a softer tone to keep from crying or yelling. "I never really tried to hide it Bro. I... I guess deep down I wanted help. I wanted you to notice, hell, I wanted you to care Bro. I know... all you and D see in me is Dirk... but... I'm... I'm still here... I..." I choked on my words, all the pain and grief coming out as I sobbed into myself, lifting my legs to bury my face in my knees, my arms around my shins as I tried to protect myself from the pain of it all. John reached out and tentatively reached out to rub my back, but Karkat removed his hand, and I got the feeling he was glaring at Bro, and put it together when I felt arms reach around me from in front of me. I looked up in shock to see my brother, the one who almost never showed emotions, holding me and crying.

"I'm so sorry li'l man... I... I never wanted it to be like this..." I couldn't take it, I flung my arms around him, knocking him back a bit, and sobbed into his neck. I rubbed my snot into his shirt, a bit of revenge mixed in with my weak state. I couldn't help it though, I was so done with being lonely. Of feeling neglected. I wanted my brother, no, I wanted my brothers. I needed them. Though none of us had ever realised just how much we need each other. "I called D on the way here, he was instantly yelling at everyone while telling me he would be here in a few hours." Bro chuckled a bit, though it came out a little strained, and I knew he was trying to lighten the mood a bit. At the same time though, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close, refusing to let go. It... made me happy. He was years late in comforting me, but he wasn't too late. And I think both of us were grateful for that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was created whilst listening to this awesome video, www youtube com/watch?v=crm2NgVbhPI&index=116&list=PLm9bvxaaUb_NdWYMYId56AVFKE0OIN-7J, and if the link doesn't really go through, it's a video by TheZombieMasterReloaded, for the song Echo by Jason Walker, with art and stuff for a sadstuck Dave vid. It's beautiful and I try not to cry everytime. Shooshpap You by Broadway Karkat is another sadstuck I really love. I know no one reads these stupid ANs, but lol here I am.
> 
> And yay for fictional places, because damn it I wanted them to be in Texas xDDD

Be the eldest brother==>

My knee won't stop bouncing. No matter how quickly I can hop on my private plane, the flight from Hollywood to Texas is still around three hours. So here I am, sitting, thousands of feet above the ground. Bro didn't tell me much, just that it was important for me to come home ASAP. I had just buried myself headfirst into work, ready to drown in pissy actors, cranky agents, and upset screenwriters. Oh the life of a director. I welcomed it though, especially this time of year. Took my mind off of everything else. Off of my little brothers. Every time I think about them, I just end up feeling guilty.

No matter how much I try to ignore it, the fact still remains that I abandoned them. I couldn't take it, so I just told myself that since my career was kicking up, I needed to focus on that. The booze helped me forget everything too. Whenever it got to be too much, I'd head to one bar or another. Everyone's too drunk to give a shit anyways. No one really cares about the loner sitting at the bar, taking shot after shot, and just trying to forget. It kept me occupied, but it didn't help that much in the long run. And always, somewhere in the back of my slammed brain, there was this little voice reminding me, that if I was feeling this bad, this guilty, this much grief, how were the other two holding up? How was the twin that was left behind holding up?

I still remember that day, I had just gotten home from finishing up with the editing crew for my third movie. I was excited about it, but mostly just relieved it was over. There was still a few things to straighten out, but I didn't have anything to stress over for a while. I could just relax with my brothers. Bro and I were in the kitchen of our apartment, celebrating with some nice wine that I had brought home, and chatting about what was going on. Dave had finally started putting out that comic of his, and Dirk had won first place at his team's last robotics competition. He was also close to finishing this AI he had been working on for quite a while, and he was just so proud of it.

We didn't hear the crash, but we heard the sirens right before Dave busted through the door, tears building up behind his shaded eyes. When he barely managed to get out Dirk's name, it didn't take another second before we were all rushing back down the stairs. Derrick got out of the building first, and abruptly stopped. Dave stayed behind me, and he gripped my arm with intensity. I stepped to the side to see past my (barely) taller younger brother, and the first thing I saw was the cracked and bloodied shades, close to ten feet away from the body of my younger brother. One of the neighbors had called an ambulance, and the driver was hauled off in a police car soon after the paramedics arrived. Dirk was declared DOI, and he was covered by a sheet they kept in the ambulance. And all any of the rest of us could do was stand there. Shocked beyond belief. It was the first time any of us cried in front of each other, as we slowly made our way up the stares, dazed. I went back to Hollywood right after the funeral held a week later, immediately starting a new project. About a month after the accident Derrick moved Dave and himself to Texas, for a fresh start.

I have occasionally heard from Derrick over the last few years, mostly when he was drunk. He got a boyfriend, and managed to keep going. Jake made him happy, which is more than I could ask for. Dave's also in a relationship, but I never heard much more than that. Knowing that they had managed to make things work made me happy, and after I met Jade my life got a little happier too. We've been going out for almost two years now, and she's been a light to my darkness, blah blah blah, insert poetic shit here. But yeah.

By the time I got up the courage to go back, talk to them, try to make things right, it had been a couple of years. I had managed to go back for the anniversaries, but after awhile I just got too scared to try. Seeing them once a year, drowning in grief and guilt, over the one I'd lost and the ones I was losing, only made it worse. Which makes no sense I know. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to them. I was too afraid. And now I have this gut-wrenching feeling it is too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, filler chapter. A look into D's life, and just fyi I don't ship DaveJade. Like at all (though I love the DaveJade vid by OrangeJuice Productions on YouTube). But this made things work, and my otps are already fulfilled by the other two Striders. So yeah. Enjoy, and review! Just two reviews gave me enough motivation to write this. Plus I'm getting excited about this again. ANYWAYS, love you guys, and hope you have an AWESOME day!


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